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Uncle Tupelo rates beer

Spotted on a wall in the brewhouse at St. Louis Brewery’s Bottleworks: “Uncle Tupelo rates the beers.”

Obviously dated since Uncle Tupelo – born just a few miles away, and across the Mississippi River, in Belleville, Ill. – broke up in 1994. But still fun, and it didn’t hurt that The Band was belting out “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down” on the brewhouse stereo while I scribbled some notes.

Budweiser – Statement on how f–ked up the world is. Should not be the most popular beer in the world. Just proves that sexism in advertising gets you anywhere.

Miller – Good, but we shouldn’t admit drinking it – look what happened to the Long Ryders and The Del Fuegos.

Black Label – Rare delicacy, hard to find.

Michelob Dry – Wet, good for breakfast.

Heineken – All the best things in life smell bad.

Bass Ale – Good fish. Good beer.

Red, White & Blue – Role model, cheap date, highest recommendation.

Old Milwaukee – Only beer that hangs out in the refrigerator for longer than a week, last resort.

Pabst – Old man beer, check back in 30 years.

Schlitz – Functional beer.

Old Style – Probably why all the bands in Chicago suck (just kidding).

Strohs – Forgettable.

Corona – Too many requirements. Evil stigma.

Fosters – Love it on payday, love those sulfites.

Olympia – Grunts, groans, flashbacks, etc. Never referred to by full name.

Coors – Mussolini’s choice. Heavy metal beer.

Stag – Hometown beer, goes good with adolescence, rest in peace.

EKU 28 – Most potent beer in the world, good ice cream topping.

Maybe the group should reunite just to put together an updated list.

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